Love In Relationships

After buy­ing and read­ing the Rela­tion­ship Saver, some peo­ple ask for coach­ing. One of the most fre­quent rea­sons they men­tion for their part­ner leav­ing them is either they say their part­ner does not love them, or is not in love with them any more. These two may sound very sim­i­lar and peo­ple may eas­ily con­fuse the two, but dis­tin­guish­ing them is cru­cial for under­stand­ing what is really going on.

Being in love or falling in love is a tem­po­rary affair. It never lasts for very long. Peo­ple inevitably fall out of love. Lust is very often con­fused with being in love. Both have the same pri­mal pur­pose of mak­ing babies. One can either trans­form that feel­ing into the action of lov­ing some­one or not. In the lat­ter case peo­ple often leave.

To love some­one is a con­scious choice. It is not a feel­ing – it is a doing; an action of lov­ing. Lov­ing some­one is to love as opposed to be in love.

Also, there are dif­fer­ent ways to love some­one or some­thing. You can love con­di­tion­ally or uncon­di­tion­ally. Most peo­ple love some­one or some­thing because of some­thing. Think about what it is that you love about your part­ner. Is that why you love him/her? We love our part­ners because they are good look­ing, well off, funny, have long hair, smart, edu­cated, strong, for­giv­ing, obe­di­ent etc., take your pick. The prob­lem with this kind of love is that when the rea­son dis­ap­pears or changes you will say: I don’t love you any more. And, I am out of here or, I’ll stick around, but I will not be happy and you will know it.

Now the most reward­ing, free­ing, lib­er­at­ing, ful­fill­ing and reward­ing kind of love is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I under­stand that it is much eas­ier for a mother to give uncon­di­tional love to her child. Most moth­ers are uncon­di­tion­ally pro­grammed to love their chil­dren unconditionally.

What does it mean to love with­out con­di­tions attached? It means accept­ing the other exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not. Think­ing that peo­ple, or the world, or life should some­how be some­thing else and blame them for not being the way you think they should be, that they are not cre­ated in your image of them bor­ders with insan­ity. 

So the first step is accep­tance of your part­ner for what she/he is, NOW. It is impor­tant to under­stand that fight­ing what is, is point­less. It is what it is and at that moment can­not be any­thing different.

So, get with the pro­gram; imple­ment the sec­ond step towards an uncon­di­tional love and GIVE UP your fan­tasies about how things or peo­ple should be.

At this point you may start argu­ing with me that it is impos­si­ble, unre­al­is­tic, that you do not know how to do that, why should you do it when he/she _____________ (fill in the blank).

First, hav­ing the uncon­di­tional love in your life is totally your choice. No con­di­tions on that one either. I am sure that you can find many rea­sons for not being able, or not want­ing to do it. It is, as usual, up to you. Uncon­di­tional Love is avail­able to you for the tak­ing (read: express­ing). If you want to be pow­er­ful in life, love uncon­di­tion­ally. Be free and loved, happy and inde­pen­dent. You do not need any­one to love you. Love lives inside of you ready and wait­ing and want­ing to be unleashed. Are you afraid? Fine, love anyway.


The Rela­tion­ship Saver


Comments (4)


July 15th, 2009 at 3:34 PM    

Hi, I pur­chased your rela­tion­ship saver book and read it prac­ti­cally every­day to keep me on track. Do you think it can work for me? My hus­band and I were together hap­pily for more than 10 years, mar­ried in Aug 2007 and now have a 5 month old baby together. I thought we were solid. How­ever, a month after I became preg­nant (and it was planned) he started to become dis­tant and was freaked out about being a father. Then in August 2008 he told me he loved me but not in the same way and was not inter­ested in mak­ing our rela­tion­ship work. He moved out in Novem­ber after show­ing many signs of stress. I now only see him once a week for a cou­ple of hours when he vis­its his son who he is now excel­lent with. I tried every­thing (many wrong strate­gies) to make things right and am now just try­ing con­sis­tently to be the per­son he fell in love with. My love for him is uncon­di­tional and I didn’t enter into mar­riage and hav­ing kids lightly. I often have to bite my tongue hard when my sense of jus­tice is riled as he has treated me so badly and I have been so patient. I so desire the lit­tle fam­ily we had set out to have. Do you think it is possible?


July 16th, 2009 at 11:45 AM    

Yes, it is pos­si­ble. He obvi­ously is con­fronted with some­thing and he needs to deal with it. All you can do is be the best you can be. If he then decides to come back, fine, if not, then you should con­sider if you want to be with some­one who does not want you when you are at your best. Please keep fol­low­ing The Rela­tion­ship Saver. You may also con­sider The Game­less Rela­tion­ship at


July 17th, 2009 at 9:06 AM    

Thank you. That is encour­ag­ing. If there was any­thing that needed work in our rela­tion­ship from his point of view, it would be the inti­macy. He said we had become like good friends liv­ing together. How can I show him that it could be bet­ter if we are no longer ‘involved’?


August 8th, 2009 at 8:09 AM    

You are ‘involved’. It’s just that you want the invove­ment to be some­thing other than it is. The Rela­tion­ship Saver says agree that the rela­tion­ship wasn’t work­ing for you as well as him, because it wasn’t. I would humbly sug­gest at some point you tell your part­ner that he was/is right about chnag­ing the sit­u­a­tion. Maybe he needs to hear that val­i­da­tion from you. It’s a start­ing point. Noth­ing will hap­pen over night. It takes small bites to eat an elephant.

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